I never knew i had the juggling talent until I got paid and realize that in adding up all the bills i am in the negative...darn it! i mean you pick here, skimp there, and try hard not to borrow from anyone who will be hard to pay back but gosh you still come up short...so what is a girl to do, you ask. JUGGLE! You have to prioritize. What is important now? Rent...Car...Insurance...utility. Nothing else. All others pale in comparison to those necessities. I mean there is nothing else you need to have on a daily basis to survive, right?
All the sirens... want~want~want~wantttttttttttt~ singing in my ears from the kids are not necessary. Although the disappointing looks tug at your heart you stand firm and say, it is not a necessity and you hold your ground.
Gosh darn it ........................................I forgot FOOD. (i wait patiently on God)
Friday, September 4, 2009
Monday, August 31, 2009
#2 While i wait....
I received a prescription in the mail on Saturday to make an appointment to go get an MRI of my brain...I know it sounds serious. LOL! I almost forgot I was diagnosed with having an anurism...i am not even going to spell check it because i really do not care how it is spelt. I mean you are going about your business and voila! you have a swollen blood vessel in your brain...now how the hell would one know they have a blood clot in their head. It is not as if you can look in the mirror and see your brain to say 'hey, that was not there last time i looked'. So i went to the whole scheduling and inking and attempted repair, which was stopped when they got in my brain...lol! They realize it would be more damage to fix than to leave as is.
So while i wait for God or the anurism(again i know it is not now it is spelt but i am refusing to learn)...i am walking with what i feel is a tick-tock-tick-tock in my head. In all of this, i have to be a good mommy and deny myself of entertaining any thoughts in my head of my brain exploding.So I wait!Like the year i was going about my life and was diagnosed with breast cancer...gosh! i hardly have breast so where is the cancer growing. my B cup hardly fill the cup never mind having something growing inside one of them...so i went through all the rigors of chemo and survived never asking 'why little ol me' why not. why do people ask that stupid question of "why me?" like we could deal with it more if we found out someone else we know had what ever we are whymeing over.
I cried a bit over the breast cancer thing only because i was thinking of my three daughters, the oldest at the time being only 8 and the youngest only 10 months, how do you wrap your thoughts around not being their for them. So the only grovelling i did with God was to ask him to allow me to be around long enough to see them to womanhood, or just to put the right people in place to take care of them for me. but if it was his will then i surrender. Well he did not listen to me. All i walked away with was bruises on my arms that if you did not know me and you saw the weight loss and the bruises you would swear i was shooting up something. Lol I looked a mess. but you know what it was worth the suffering to come through it with only evidense of lymphedima in my right arm. I can live with that.
I truely beleive that God has a plan for all of us and that if you are to die in a bus crash,you will not die of breast cancer, or a brain aneurysm(serious me)... The thing is we do not have a choice. Cause beleive me I personally would choose a pain free exit. So far the breast cancer has not reared its ugly head again, or it has just decided that my pueny boobs were not as comfortable as it had first thought, whatever its reason i will respect its decision.
So while I wait for God i will go to my appointment and will report if anything has changed in a year.
So while i wait for God or the anurism(again i know it is not now it is spelt but i am refusing to learn)...i am walking with what i feel is a tick-tock-tick-tock in my head. In all of this, i have to be a good mommy and deny myself of entertaining any thoughts in my head of my brain exploding.So I wait!Like the year i was going about my life and was diagnosed with breast cancer...gosh! i hardly have breast so where is the cancer growing. my B cup hardly fill the cup never mind having something growing inside one of them...so i went through all the rigors of chemo and survived never asking 'why little ol me' why not. why do people ask that stupid question of "why me?" like we could deal with it more if we found out someone else we know had what ever we are whymeing over.
I cried a bit over the breast cancer thing only because i was thinking of my three daughters, the oldest at the time being only 8 and the youngest only 10 months, how do you wrap your thoughts around not being their for them. So the only grovelling i did with God was to ask him to allow me to be around long enough to see them to womanhood, or just to put the right people in place to take care of them for me. but if it was his will then i surrender. Well he did not listen to me. All i walked away with was bruises on my arms that if you did not know me and you saw the weight loss and the bruises you would swear i was shooting up something. Lol I looked a mess. but you know what it was worth the suffering to come through it with only evidense of lymphedima in my right arm. I can live with that.
I truely beleive that God has a plan for all of us and that if you are to die in a bus crash,you will not die of breast cancer, or a brain aneurysm(serious me)... The thing is we do not have a choice. Cause beleive me I personally would choose a pain free exit. So far the breast cancer has not reared its ugly head again, or it has just decided that my pueny boobs were not as comfortable as it had first thought, whatever its reason i will respect its decision.
So while I wait for God i will go to my appointment and will report if anything has changed in a year.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Jeremiah 29:11 - Passage Lookup - New International Version - BibleGateway.com
Jeremiah 29:11 - Passage Lookup - New International Version - BibleGateway.com: "Jeremiah 29:11 (New International Version)
11 For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
11 For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."
Day 1 after total melt down
I will tell you about the meltdown later but for now, I just wanted to start by saying I am not here to be judged or to judge. Since you are God, however you already know what I went through yesterday. Am I blaming you, of course not? LOL! I am sure you are relieved by that. But seriously when do you intervene to make it better?
I am energized and ready to go and although I am aware I have not said a formal prayer to you, I know that you will give me all the things I usually ask for on a daily basis. You are awesome and I do not deserve your love but I am thankful for it and know I need to show my gratitude even more.
What should I look forward to today? Sometimes to be honest with you I wish you would prepare me for the things I have to face. I mean, why the surprises? Jus give it to me straight, that way I am prepared to handle it.
Sometimes God you are slow in responding and things get way out of control. Although you say you never give us more than we can handle, sometime I wonder.
I love you! You know I am working on getting things right with what you have shown me. It is a day-to-day struggle with all of the earthly "stuff" coming at you.
Sometimes I just want you to take the wheel and take me to were I need to be.
I am energized and ready to go and although I am aware I have not said a formal prayer to you, I know that you will give me all the things I usually ask for on a daily basis. You are awesome and I do not deserve your love but I am thankful for it and know I need to show my gratitude even more.
What should I look forward to today? Sometimes to be honest with you I wish you would prepare me for the things I have to face. I mean, why the surprises? Jus give it to me straight, that way I am prepared to handle it.
Sometimes God you are slow in responding and things get way out of control. Although you say you never give us more than we can handle, sometime I wonder.
I love you! You know I am working on getting things right with what you have shown me. It is a day-to-day struggle with all of the earthly "stuff" coming at you.
Sometimes I just want you to take the wheel and take me to were I need to be.
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